and a little bit” (2023)
Ive always wondered why you asked.
asked where i was from,
when you’ll think what you like anyway, i’ll always be whatever suits you best.
i’ll never look like what i say i am, i’ll never sound like what i say i am.
according to you,
I will never belong in the three places that define me, i know that, you’ve made it clear.
its not up to me, i’ll be whatever you want me to be.
I am not whole,
i am seperated, divided, indecisive even.
maybe im ambiguous, misleading, performative.
Im not what i say i am, not the way you know them.
You know them best, you always do.
So you strap me in, cut me up, disect me, peel back my skin, you look under, in between, around and through me.
but its not enough, you wont get the answers your looking for.
im just so tantalizing, teasing, treacherous.
a puzzle to be solved, and then ignored.
”you’re an interesting mix. “
how dare i have an ego big enough to ask you to see me, as i tell you that i am.
how dare i ask you to listen to me when you ask me where im from?
when do i suit you best? so you wont have to adjust a single word? so you wont have to watch your language, your funny jokes.
im bitten, eaten, chewed, mauled, devoured, how do i taste?
where do i fall within your preciously established pallette?
am i bitter, sweet, salty, am i a texture that revolts or pleases you?
im proded, poked, pinched, squashed, flattened, juiced.
does my sweat smell like my fathers?
Am i enough of my parents for you to see me as i am.
have i come to live up to what you want me to be?
do i please you?
am i arab enough for you?
am i european enough for you?
tell me i did good, tell me im what you want, tell me you understand, tell me you want to know.
and may i ask,
what purpose does it serve you to see me not as whole?
am i then easier to digest? is three too many?
may i ask,
what can i speak of that relates to my own cultures?
may i speak of what i have seen through my fathers eyes?
may i speak of what i have felt through my grandmothers shoes?
may i speak of the fear my parents have bestowed unto me?
may i speak of my own neighbourhoods, when my streets were full of people and the air was made of tear gas?
may i speak of my own terror, of things i have seen, in a country i call home but have no passport to?
may i speak of my own grievances of my mothers country, where i speak the language poorly and never feel in place?
may i speak of my fathers country, where i feel warm, but cannot return to?
may i only speak of parts of things since i am only parts of things?
and may i ask,
am i just half, half and a little bit?
may i please be whole? may i please be full?
may i please be full? please let me be full of something.
please let me be all of something.
please let me be all of all that i am made up of.
I will be other.
i will be other but let me be full.
do not divide further what has already been taken away from me.
i dream of becoming the lands that i am from,
grassy fields, olive trees, tulips and dunes of sand,
i am safe ground, a mighty fort, built to hold you
in the palm of my hand, warm and dewey, you can rest.
sleep soft beneath my linen sheets, no one will disturb your peace.
Here you will not worry of who you are,
you will not worry of your mother and father and where they are from,
you will not worry of the words you must choose.
With me, on my soft skin, you will never have to prove yourself,
My land is small, it is warm and soft, and it listens well.
You will never have to raise your voice
I am the land that is built to hold you, i can withstand your weight,
your tangled stories and misunderstood pleads,
I will listen, you will not have to yell.
Come to me, I will not ask you without wanting to know.
I will not ask you without asking more,
I will not other,
I will let you be full.
I will let you be more than half, half and a little bit.